The party
by Tweaks
Summary: You know a party with all the Soul Calibur characters won't end well. But what if things are going wrong before it's even started? CH4 is up! Siegfried escapes Wal-Mart... and finds himself in Burger King. Good for him, as now everyone else is trapped.
1. And so our story begins

Siegfried Schtauffen was sitting in his new suburban home, munching on some cereal, reading the paper, overall having a very peaceful morning. Being done his wheaties, he pushed aside his bowl and picked up his stack of unopened mail. "Bill, bill, invitation for a fight to the death, bill… puppy and baguette stationary?" He shrugged and opened it. It read as the following:

_Dearest friends from our quest of fate:_

_Although I regret to say, not all of us have been on good terms. We've fought, pushed people off cliffs, freakishly stalked people, and done many more… unfavourable things. But I don't believe it means we can't all be friends! I am inviting all of you to my mansion this Saturday at 2:00 pm for a little party celebrating the destruction of (or mourning the death of) Soul Edge! Please bring a dish of a sort, as we will be having a potluck! I hope you can all come!_

_Yours sincerely, Raphael and Amy Sorel_

As soon as he finished reading the last word, Hilde, his new girlfriend, burst in through the front door with a huge smile on her face. "OMG Siggy, did you get Raphael's letter? Are you going? I'm gonna make a Bundt cake!"

"Well, I dunno…" Siegfried replied, putting down the letter."Hey- how did you get in here anyways?"

"I picked the lock." Hilde then scowled, "You know, just because you were possessed by an evil sword, slaughtered thousands of people for power, causing some agonizing ideal for almost everyone you encountered doesn't mean everyone hates you! Go and have fun!"

"No, I just don't like Raphael."

"Oh, sure you do! You just don't try!"

"No, I tried."

"Not hard enough! Anyways, you're going if you want to or not!"

"Wait a minute- you picked my lock?!"

"That doesn't matter! Let's go make a feast!" she grabbed him by the collar and dragged him to his kitchen. But after discovering he lives off wheaties and diet water, she dragged him to her house.

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"Ooooooooh Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamy!" Raphael sang, dancing around his mansion, feather duster in hand. "Won't this be great? All the friends we met on our journey here with us! Oh, it will be so lovely!"

"We didn't make any friends." Amy replied bluntly. Raphael stopped dancing and turned to stare at her.

"Oh, but they will be!" he corrected. Amy rolled her eyes and went back to playing on her DS. Raphael, just noticing her DS, frowned. "Those will melt your brain, you know," he took it and shut it off, which caused her to lose 2 ½ hours of Animal Crossing and causing an unavoidable visit by Mr. Resetti. She scowled and pulled out a lighter.

Raphael commenced ignoring her, also ignoring the fact she was playing with a lighter and playing a lovely game seeing how much she could singe the couch threads before they started on fire. He was singing and dancing again instead.

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"Ummmm… Hilde?"

"Yes, Siggy?"

"Don't you think this is enough food for people to choke dow- Imeaneatwithsavourydelight!"

"That was an odd statement, but do you really think so?"

Siegfried stared at the black, crunchy, mushy, disintegrated lumps of what was supposed to be food, and said, "yes, dear. We need to leave room for other's food, after all." Hilde was not a very good cook.

"I guess you're right… hey- how are we going to refrigerate this?"

"I don't think refrigeration will make this any less toxi- Imeandelicious!"

"Another odd statement, but I guess you're right."

"Also, how are we going to carry all this?"

"Well, we could hire a moving company?"

"Somehow I don't think that would end well…"

"Oh, ok."

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"Amy! Are you cooking something?" Raphael called from his room.

"Why?" came her hasty reply.

"Oh, nothing… I just think I smell burning."

"Umm… I think our neighbours… house… is burning?"

Raphael looked out his window,"Oh hey, it is! Never mind then!" he went back to his cleaning, ignoring the flaming house.

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Amy stared at the direction the voice came from for a moment before questioningly looking out the window. She stared at the blaze and couldn't believe her luck. The scent covered up the burning couch until she got the fire out. Turns out her little "game" wasn't such a good idea. Finally, the couch was just wet, smoking, and burnt. She frowned upon realizing how noticeable it was, but easily fixed it by flipping the cushions and throwing on a couch cover. Much better.

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"Oooooooooooooooooooooh Sieeeeeeeeeeeegfrieeeeeeeeeeed!"

"Yes, Hilde?"

"What colour should I wear? The carnation pink, blush pink, true pink, hot pink, dusty rose, coral pink-"

"How about the-"

"Shush! I'm not even through the pinks yet! Now where was I… oh yes! Cerise, apocalyptic pink, carnation pink, amaranth pink, lavender rose…" Siegfried sat in bored silence as Hilde listed off the colour of each of her dresses. Finally, after about an hour, she finished: "envy green, jade, forest green, pigment green, shamrock green, or emerald green?"

He snapped out of his near comatose state, "Umm… I think the-"

"I'll wear the cream one! Thanks!" she started shoving all her dresses back into her closet. Siegfried resisted the urge to smash his head- or hers- into a wall. Hilde suddenly turned around in the middle of putting a hot pink dress away-- turning so fast it whipped off the hanger and went sailing off the window, landing perfectly on some blind wangster. Somehow he didn't notice the fact he was now wearing a hideous pink dress. "Oops. Anyways, we should dress you up!"

"…I hope you're not serious."

"I sure am!" She pulled him up by his collar and dragged him out the door.

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"Wow, you have no suits? Are you kidding me?" Hilde asked, standing outside his closet, "Unless, ew, what is that?" She held up a hideous tie-dye and sequin suit from the 80's. Siegfried stared in horror. He thought he had burned that years ago. "Well, I'm not letting you wear that. Let's go to Wal-Mart to buy you a suit!" she grabbed him by the collar again dragged him out the door. His neck was getting quite sore.

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"Amy, would you move our precious vase made by my great godmother passed down through the Sorels for generations up to my room? I'd hate for it to get broken!" Raphael shouted from somewhere in the library.

" 'kay," Amy carefully picked up the vase and slowly started carrying it up the long spiralling staircase. She only had a few steps left when… her boots got caught on a carpet thread, causing her to trip and fall, the vase flying up and smashing on the upstairs floor.

"Amy! What was that?"

"Nothing! Just… uh…" she threw a rock through a window, "A pigeon flew into the window!"

"Oh tea and crumpets. Twice? I heard two smashes."

"Uh… yes!" she threw two rocks at two different windows at the same time. "Damn, again!"

"Ugh. I have a rifle in my room; take it and kill those damn birds. I'll phone a window repair man."  
" 'kay!" She swept up the pieces of the vase and quickly carried them to her room, hiding them in her closet. She then rushed to Raphael's room, grabbed the gun and shot blindly out one of the broken windows,

"SKRAAAAAAAWK!"

Amy looked up in horror, afraid she accidently shot a bird. It turned out it was only Yoshimitsu. He made a weird noise when he was shot and tumbled to the ground. Thankfully he got up and stumbled away.

"…I think they're dead!" she called down.

"Good!" came Raphael's reply.

Amy returned the gun, and cautiously made her way down stairs. She passed the kitchen and saw Raphael and two maids cleaning in there. She made her way to the living room and noticed the couch smelled like burning. She dowsed it in a bottle of Febreze, then cautiously went out the door-

"Amy! Where are you going?" Raphael came from the kitchen, dusting his hands on a frilly apron.

"I'm going to… er, buy tampons!" she ran out the door. He wouldn't follow her after that.


	2. Of pants and wheat crunch

"Omg- look at the pink one!" Hilde held up a hideous hot pink suit.

Siegfried chuckled a bit, but then realized she was serious. "Umm, no."

"Why not"

"It's hideous."

"You just haven't given it a chance!"

"What? Why do I need one, anyways?"

"Because you would look so charming in one!" she turned back to the rack to put the suit away, when she saw the most adorable little girl with the cutest orange, curly pigtails ever heading towards the craft supplies section. "Hey, it's Amy! I wonder what she's doing…" they decided to go say hello.

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"Let's see… glue sticks? Don't work. School glue? Also useless. Elmer's glue all? Meh. Glue guns? Ouch. Glitter glue? I'm trying to be inconspicuous! What- no super glue?"

"Yo, Amy!" Hilde slapped Amy's back, causing her to jump about 3 feet in the air.

"HOMIGAWDIT'SNOTWHATITLOOKSLIKEI- oh, hi Hilde. Siegfried."

"Whatcha buying?" Hilde asked, ignoring the fact she was surrounded by glue. Amy resisted rolling her eyes.

"I need glue. Well, super glue. But they're all out…" she had finally spotted the empty section marked 'super glue'. "What are you doing here?"

"We came here to buy Siggy a suit!"

"Why? Are you getting married or something?"

"Nope- it's for yours and Raph's party!"

"…I wouldn't bother if I were you. It would probably get wrecked anyways." she smiled at the victory arm pump Siegfried did behind Hilde.

"Why?" Hilde was rather confused.

"Well, we did invite, like, everyone, you know. Why, the party hasn't even started yet and I've already lit the couch on fire, broke four windows and broke a priceless family heriloo- IMEANISAIDNOTHING!"

"…is that what the glue's for?" Siegfried asked.

"Umm, yah. It's a priceless vase."

"Ouch."

"Oh- I know! Let's find you an employee to help!"Hilde grabbed her arm and dragged her to where they might find an employee.

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"No, Home E does _not _sell condoms," A Japanese girl with sleek black hair pulled into a high ponytail snapped her gum loudly.

"But it's Home Entertainment, riiiiiiiight?" a very sleazy looking customer in a business suit pressed. She thought she might have recognized him form Honest Ed's Used Cars- the guy who somehow convinced her to buy a spontaneously combusting donkey.

"No, it's Home Electronics. Condoms are over there," she pointed to a whole row labelled "condoms" with a large, neon sign.

"Well, miss… 'Tacky'," he said, mispronouncing her name tag, causing her to cringe, "I'll have you know I used to work in Zellers in my teenage years, so I know Wal-Mart like the back of my hand!"

"What? That doesn't even make sense. And my name's Taki."

"That's what I said, Tacky. Now, I'm complaining to your boss for bad service! Where is your customer service?"

"Go straight that way and turn right at the door," she pointed out to him.

"Hah! I knooooooow you're lying!" he stomped off, opened a door, stepped through… and went tumbling down stairs to the basement. Taki shook her head.

"Um, excuse me miss ninja chick who, like, stalked that samurai guy?" a voice came from behind her.

"MY NAME'S TAKI, DAMNIT!" Taki shouted.

"Uh… sorry," Hilde backed away.

"Err, my bad." _Happy employee, happy employee, happy employee… _she muttered through gritted teeth.

"Umm, ignore her. Anyways, do you know where we could find some super glue?" Amy asked sweetly.

"In the section clearly labelled 'glue'. Duh."

"We looked in there, and there was none."

"Oh, really?" she tapped her chin with her finger. "We might have some out back. Would you like me to check?"

"Please!" Amy begged.

"Alright then," Taki went behind the counter and pulled out a rifle, a set of Miracle Blade 3000's, and the Master Sword.

"Hey- where did you get the Master Sword come from?" Hilde asked.

"I have no idea. Anyways, this could take a while, so you might want to find something else to do. If you aren't here when I come back, I'll page you," she turned and started walking towards the entrance to the stock room door. Before she reached it, she turned around and spoke," If I'm not back in an hour, call for help." She disappeared through the door.

"There goes one brave soul…" Hilde whispered.

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"Hey, Maxi! Whatcha think of these?" Kilik called out to his friend.

"Pretty cool! How about these?" Maxi replied.

"Wicked!"

"Hey- why are we buying pants in Wal-Mart anyways?"

"Well, maybe it's because… uh… hey- a fedora!" Kilik picked up the hat and tried it on. "How do I look?"

"Hey, you look like that guy!"

"Which guy?"

"From that movie!"

"Which movie?"

"You know, that one! Where they do that thing!"

"Oh, _that _one," Kilik said sarcastically.

"Yah! That one!"

"Uh huh," Kilik put it back, still having no clue what Maxi was talking about.

"Awwww. You don't want to look like that guy?" Maxi asked sadly.

"Umm… look! Pants!"

"Whoah!" Maxi continued browsing.

"Can I… help you with anything?" a female employee with long black hair pulled into a long ponytail asked seductively.

"No, I'm fine, thanks," Maxi didn't even look up.

"How about you try on… this?" she picked up a hot pink strapless dress, not noticing he was kind of ignoring her.

Maxi, noticing a flash of blinding in the corner of his eye, finally looked up. "Umm, I actually want pants, thanks."

"Oh, really? Then perhaps I could help you try something on, then?" she pulled a random pair of pants (which just so happened to be bright white disco pants) off the rack and started walking towards him. Maxi, getting somewhat alarmed (yet liking the pants), started backing away. But the woman was persistent and soon had him backed into the wall…

"OMG- a creeper!" Kilik shouted abruptly, finally noticing Maxi. He ran over and tackled the woman to the ground. "Wtf Shura?" he noticed who he had just tackled.

"Whoah! Cat fight!" Maxi shouted.

"Wait, Kilik's a girl?" Shura asked.

"Wait, I'm a girl?" Kilik asked.

"Really? I never knew," Maxi replied.

Their fight continued until a voice from behind them caused them to stop.

"Kilik! What are you doing to my wife?!"

Kilik and Shura immediately stopped fighting and turned to stare at the very peeved off Cervantes.

"You _wife_?" Kilik was in disbelief.

Shura sighed and got to her feet, brushing off the dust and adjusting her ponytail. "It's true," she started, "See, none of that story about Cervantes and that tavern owner's daughter and leaving Ivy on the doorstep is true. In truth, she's my daughter."

"So _you _just left her on a doorstep?" Maxi asked.

"Well, we were young and irresponsible. Anyways, do you want to hear the story of how we met? Why yes you do!" she proceeded, not letting a word in otherwise. "You see, it all started in high school…"

"Oh great…" Maxi groaned.

"One day I was walking down the stairs at lunch to the commons when someone threw Wheat Crunch over the railing. I dramatically leapt to the side to avoid the falling lumps of wheatie goodness… and fell down the stairs. But to my luck, Cervantes was at the bottom and caught me… oh! It was love at first sight! So we fell in love, got married, built a house, and had two kids! Ain't that wonderful?"

"Wait… two?" Maxi asked.

"Well, yes, actually. She doesn't know it, but Taki's also our daughter," Cervantes admitted.

"**WHAT?!**" Taki shouted from behind him, along with Hilde, Siegfried, and Amy.

"How are babies made?" Kilik piped afterwards.

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_Finally I got this finished! I was hoping to have it done in a few days, but exams start this week so all my teachers are throwing in as many last minute final projects as possible. _

_Edit- If you are reading this, it means I have figured out how to add a new chapter! I've already failed once! _


	3. Rated R for Rock, or it should be

_You know, I was going to update this several months sooner. I really was! But things happened and… I lost my rough copy. I know. But what can you do?_

_So I just today found my rough copy and I edited it and have just typed it out! Sadly I do not have the next chapter even planned out yet, it will once again be whatever happens to come to mind. Hopefully it will be updated sooner than this chapter._

_And since I have not said this before __**I do not own Soul Calibur, Wal-Mart, Febreze, Froot Loops, Zellers, Wheaties, or any other place or product I have mentioned that currently exists has existed or will exist in the future in real life. **__Thank you._

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"Well. This sounds like this might take a while. What is there to do in Wal-Mart? Hilde asked.

"…we could burn the store down," Amy suggested.

"Don't you need to buy glue?" Siegfried pointed out.

"Oh, yah." They sat there pondering in silence for a minute.

"Well, we could continue finding Siegfried a suit…" Hilde suggested.

"Ugh. I'd look hideous in a suit." Siegfried grimaced.

"But you won't know until you try!"

"I tried once."

"How old were you?"

"Uh… 16."

"You had a hideous haircut back then. Of course you looked bad!"

"How do you know what my hair looked like?"

Amy sat down with a thud. This sounded like it might take a while. And she was right. She decided she didn't want to go off on her own, so she sat and people watched. At one point she saw Kilik and Maxi go by; she waved but they didn't notice. A bit later she saw Cervantes and Shura walking past holding hands (she couldn't figure that one out), and Xianghua on her own. She hid behind a display of garden gnomes until Xianghua was a safe distance away. Finally after 45 minutes of Hilde and Siegfried bickering, Taki came back.

What are you still doing here?" she asked.

"They've been bickering like an old married couple," Amy muttered.

"Alright then," Take reached into her pocket with a bandaged arm and pulled out a fresh bottle of superglue.

"Thank you so much!" Amy hugged Taki and happily accepted the glue.

"Hey- no problem! It's my crappy job, after all."

"Hey- when'd you get here?!" Hilde asked spinning around so fast the broken bottle she was threatening Siegfried with flew out of her hand, striking a wall causing sparks to fly off and light a pile of dust on fire. She ignored the flaming corner.

"Um, I've been here a few minutes now…" Taki also ignored the fire.

"Oh, sorry!" she checked her watch, "Whoah! It's been 50 minutes? Time sure flies!"

"It sure does," Siegfried said while putting a bruised and bloody arm around Hilde.

"HOMIGAWD! Are you ok?!" Amy asked, shocked.

"Yah, it's only a flesh wound."

"A flesh wound? You both look like you were hit by a train!" Taki exclaimed.

"Meh. Just a simple lover's quarrel," Hilde shrugged.

"Erm, alright. Well, I have my glue so I suppose I should be off. It's already been almost an hour and I just told Raphael I was buying tampons," Amy turned towards the exit.

"I have nothing better to do so I'll walk you to the door," Taki started walking with her.

"We'll come," Hilde called and she a Siegfried started following them.

They all walked towards the exit but stopped at the clothing section when they saw three familiar faces. "Hey, it's Maxi, Kilik, and Shura," Siegfried pointed out.

"Maybe we should say hi?" Hilde suggested.

"Homigawd- they're tearing each other apart!" Amy was slightly freaking, wondering whether to run in and stop it or not. She took a step forward.  
"Might wanna stay back," Taki grabbed her shoulder. "See Cervantes there? He's looking might pissed." They watched in silence as Cervantes approached them, and watched the scene play out. It was all interesting and dandy until…

"Well, she doesn't know it, but… Taki's also our daughter."

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"What do you mean I'm your daughter?!" Taki demanded.

"What- Taki?! Oh no, not good. Umm…" Shura panicked. She tried to think up an excuse, "Well, you see, you… oh, whatever. Yes you are."

"So wait- I'm half _Spanish_?!"

"Yup," Cervantes answered.

"And I'm Ivy's _sister_?!"

"Yes," Shura answered this time.

"Good god. I'm Spanish and my sister wears bondage."

"What? You have a sister?"

Everyone turned to see Ivy standing there holding a box of Froot Loops and wearing a very revealing bondage outfit.

"Why do you have Froot Loops?" Taki couldn't help but question.

"Never mind that. Just tell me about this sister of yours.

"Well, she's very…" she paused, then bolted.

"What was that about?" Ivy asked.

"You don't want to know," Amy answered. "Anyways, I should get going. 'Else Raphael is going to freak.

"Bye! Good luck with the vase!" Hilde called.

Everyone bid her farewell as she exited the evil empire.

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"Raphael! I'm home!"

"Oh Amy! What took you so long?" He stepped out of the kitchen to great her.

"Well, they didn't have the kind of tampons I wanted so I-"

"Alright, it's ok," Raphael interrupted awkwardly. They stared at each other for a minute before he slinked back into the kitchen. Amy sighed and went to her room. She took out her super glue and stared reassembling the vase. Thankfully it was made of that kind of glass that looks kind of cracked, so it wasn't blatantly obvious. Being done gluing it Amy picked up the vase and placed it in Raphael's room. The deed done, she went down stairs to help Raphael with the cleaning.

"What's up?" she asked as sweetly as she could muster.

"Oh, Amy! Do we have any glue? The couch was very wet, although I am unsure why, but I think the water softened the glue and it fell apart!"

"Uh, I think we have some. I'll go get it," she got up to leave.

"Oh, that's right! I think it's in the supplies closet. Could you get it for me? Thanks!"

"Yah, 'kay…" Amy went over to the closet and opened it to find five bottles of unopened super glue. She face palmed.

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"So what was all that about, anyways?" Ivy asked, opening her box of Froot Loops.

"Hey- did you pay for that?" Hilde glared.

"Uh… sure," she lied, "Now stop asking about my Froot Loops and tell me what's going on! I have this feeling people are keeping something from me…"

"Why do you think that?" Siegfried asked.

"Well first off- Taki bolted when I asked her about her sister. Second- Cervantes and-"

"That's 'dad' to you!" Cervantes interrupted.

"Hell no. _Cervantes _and-"

"Dad!"

"Cervantes!"

"Dad!"

"Cervantes!"

"Dad!"

"Cer- oh, whatever. 'Dad' and Shura are holding hands and-"

"That's 'mom' to you!" Shura interrupted this time.

"Fine! Dad and mo- wait, **WHAT**?!"

"Oh shi-" Shura bolted.

"WHY ARE YOU RUNNING?!" Ivy screamed.

"I guess it runs in the family," Cervantes calmly stated.

"What do you mean?" Ivy snapped, angry from being confused.

"Well, Taki did that earlier and-"

"Just shut up and tell me what's going on."

"Well…"

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"So, you got anything else for me to do?" Amy sat on the floor cross legged beside Raphael, who was now fixing the couch.

"Well, those windows still need repairing, and I think the repairman should be here any minute. Could you greet him and offer assistance?"

"Alright," she slumped against a wall and waited for the doorbell to ring.

"Amy," Raphael started, turning off the blow dryer he was drying the couch with, "Do you have any idea what's up with the couch? It looks blacker than usual, it's very wet, and smells very refreshing."

"Um… I think the roof leaked… uh… toothpaste." She mentally face palmed.

"Oh, is that so? Should I call a roof repairman as well?"

"No need. The… uh… duct tape bandits fixed it."

"Did you hire them?"

"Uh… yes?"

"My, what a responsible young lady you've grown up to be!" Raphael leaned over and patted her on the head. She gave him an odd look, but got up and ran as fast as she could to the door when the doorbell finally rang.

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"Rocky Rock's Rocking Window Repair Service. If a rock can break them, a Rock can fix them. What can I do for you?" Rock stood at the door, holding a briefcase which looked like a rock.

"Uh…" Amy was lost for words, unnerved by the rocks and the fact Rock is now repairing windows, but she finally found words to speak, "Well, four of our windows got broken by, well, a rock- IMEANPIGEON!"

"Is that so? Pigeons. Brutal creatures. Nevertheless, show me the way!"

"'kay," Amy started leading Rock to where the 'pigeons' broke the windows. As she passed the living room, she couldn't help but stop and stare at Raphael. "What are you doing?" she asked him, who was spreading a white paste over all their furniture.

"Oh, that toothpaste made the couch smell so refreshing- I decided to make everything else smell as good!"

"Uh. Ok then…" Amy started walking again at a quicker pace. "Well, here we are!" Amy stopped in front of the broken windows. Rock leaned over, closely examining the windows.

"Hey- these aren't pigeon breaks! It's from rocks!"

Amy's mouth dropped open. "How did you know that?"

"It smells like rocks," he leaned in closer and smelled it deeply. "Yup, it's rocks." Amy took a step back.

"Look, I don't care what did it," she crossed her arms. "Just fix it."

"Fine, fine. But rocks make much more elegant breaks than most objects, you know? Most people don't give them enough credit. Why even I can be elegant! Did you know I did ballet as a child? Why, I could out-dance any man, woman, or rhino!"

At each creepy thing Rock said, Amy took a step back. In other words she was half way down the staircase. But she knew she had to go back and watch him. Raphael would freak if she left anyone unattended in their house… especially Rock. So she climbed back up and slumped against a wall, silently watching.

"…then in grade three I joined choir. They thought my part as Dorothy was magnificent! It was apparently their best musical production of _The Wizard of Oz_ yet! So they practically begged me to join!"

Amy clamped her hands over her ears. This was going to be long and painful.

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	4. The taste of freedom and staircases

_AN: Holy frick: 10 pages! Over 3k words! Longest chapter I've ever written. I guess this can make up for my long absence? Maybe? *is shot*_

_Come on, it's only been half a year!_

_Also, I was sick and slightly delusional while writing/typing/editing this so let's hope it make sense. XD_

_ Disclaimer: I do not own Soul Calibur or the characters or Wal-Mart or any place/product listed here. I do not make a profit from this and this is purely for mine and other's enjoyment. _

_Now without further ado:_

* * *

"And that's the story!" Cervantes finished up his long explanation.

"Good God. I mean, I don't even look like Shura! But I always did think Taki quite resembled her…" Ivy pondered.

"Well, that's pretty obvious," Cervantes stated.

"Shut up," Ivy replied.

"Okay, now that we've cleared up this little bit of family drama…" Hilde started before they killed each other.

"Cleared up?" Ivy shouted, "Nothing's cleared up! Why did you keep this to yourself for all these years?!"

"Come _ON_! If you were in that situation, would _you _say anything? It made my life so easy and stress free!" Cervantes replied, "In fact, I'd rather we never even had this conversation!"

"That is SO you! Just run away from all your problems! Or should I say- ABANDONED?!"

"Why you little…" Cervantes lunged at Ivy, Ivy lunged at Cervantes. Fist and feet were flying everywhere as they both attempted to murder the other.

"Oh, please stop!" Hilde pleaded, trying to get close enough to break up the fight. After a minute of dodging flailing limbs and garden gnomes Hilde gave up and took a few steps back. "Oh, Siegfried! I don't think it's any use! Perhaps we should just give up. We still haven't found you a suit yet, after all…"

"NO!" Siegfried shouted, finding himself panicking a little. He was not going to wear a suit if he could help it! Suddenly an idea dawned on him. "Sweetheart," he started, "What if all they need is someone to stop the fighting and bring peace? What if inside they are dying for someone to help stop the fighting… to help them listen to each other… to make them understand each other? What if they really want to love each other but are too afraid to try? I think they really need your help!"

"Oh. My. God. You are _so _right! I have to help them!"

"You go get them, girl!"

"I'll get them to love each other!"

"You have the power!"

"I have the power!"

"Yes!"

"Yeah!"

"Now, go get them! I'll leave you to it!" Siegfried turned and started running, only looking back to give her his most encouraging wave and smile.

"Thank you, Siegfried! I won't let you down!" Hilde waved back. When he was out of sight she turned towards the feuding family. She had a mission to do!

Yet when Siegfried could no longer see Hilde, he sprinted towards the exit. As he watched the automatic doors open and smelled the fresh air he knew that this was freedom he was smelling! He took step after step out of the evil empire until a sudden thought dawned on him: what was he going to do now?

Surveying his surroundings he discovered nearby a Karaoke bar, a Burger King, a Chucky Cheeses, a Tupperware store, a Victoria's Secret, a tanning salon, a used car dealer, and some guy selling 'legally obtained' tickets to a Miley Cyrus concert. Not being too enthralled by any of his options, he went into the Burger King.

* * *

"Those opera lesson really came through for me. In grade 10 our school decided to put on 'The Phantom of the Opera'. All my classmates who heard me singing at the talent night practically forced me to try out for the part of Christine! When I auditioned the staff were blown away! They stopped the auditions after me as they could not fathom having another play Christine!" Rock continued his babbling as he put the finishing touches on the last window. "There you go, sweetie! We're all done! Oh, but I have not yet told you about our High School Musical production in grade 11…"

"That's ok!" Amy interrupted. She put down the shard of glass she was contemplating killing herself with and stood to shake his hand. "Thank you very much for fixing our windows! Now, I suppose you have much business to take care of. Have a safe journey and don't be a stranger now!" she was shaking his hand rather vigorously at this point.

"Ah, yes! I do suppose I have a dentist appointment in half an hour! Let me gather my belongings and I shall be off!" He started placing various tools in his briefcase while humming "Can't Get My Love Together" by Jem and the Holograms. Before putting away his last measuring tape he turned to Amy very seriously, shouted "BANGOOOO!!!" at the top of his lungs, and jumped out of a closed window.

Amy screamed out of frustration and kicked his briefcase out after him.

* * *

"So you know what I did?"

"what?"

"I killed him!"

"Hahahahahahaha!"

"I know, right?"

"Wait- I shouldn't be laughing! That's just cruel!"

"Come on, Yoshimitsu, lighten up!"

"Well, sorry Zasalamel. Just try not to kill _everyone _who says they don't like clock gears, ok?"

"Alright, fair enough."

"Hey- is Olcadan ok?"

"Hmm…" Zasalamel poked Olcadan with a French fry.

Olcadan grunted.

"I'd say so. I think he's just eaten a little too much grease…" Zasalamel replied.

"Ok." Yoshimitsu stretched out his fingers. "Wow, it sure is dull in here!"

"Agreed. Want to go into Toyland again?"

"I don't know…"

"Come on, the bridge isn't THAT scary!"

"It's not so much the bridge as the- wait a minute! That is NOT what I meant! What I meant is aren't we a little old to be playing in there?"

"When you've lived as long as me you just stop caring. Who knows if Burger King will even be around by the time I die and am reborn again?"

"Well, I guess it is pretty fun…"

"Would you two quit your yapping and let me get some shut eye?" Olcadan finally spoke. "I'm part nocturnal now, you know!"

"Part nocturnal?" Yoshimitsu inquired, 'How does that work?"

"I sleep through part of the afternoon," he answered.

"Ok…"

At that moment the whole restaurant went silent as the doors swung open with a loud bang. In strode a rather short man with long, flowing blond hair. It was perhaps the most feminine and beautiful hair ever to exist. As the entire restaurant stared at the new customer, our three weirdoes breathed out one name in unison: Siegfried.

A loud slap was heard, turning all their attention to a manager and a cowering employee, the former shouting "You oiled the door too much!"

With that everyone returned to their food and Siegfried felt less awkward about entering.

* * *

CRACK

Amy looked down at the table leg that didn't seem to agree with having a 50 pound phone book dropped on its surface. It was a little splintered… nothing a little duct tape couldn't fix. Once she finished applying the duct tape she moved a potted plant in front of the leg. Deciding it looked ok she sat down and flipped open the phone book to "window repairs".

"Let's see…" Amy muttered, looking at the long list of names Unable to reach a decision she pointed to a random name. "Alfred Gorre: at your door in ten seconds or more," she read aloud. Shrugging, she picked up the phone and called.

"Hello?" came the voice on the phone.

"Hello… is this Alfred Gorre?" Amy asked.

"Why yes it is!" Alfred's voice suddenly cheered up. "What can I do for you? Let me guess- repairing your windows!"

"Uh… yah."

"Alright, where do you live?"

Amy gave him her address.

"Excellent! I will be there shortly!" He then hung up leaving Amy to worry about what he would be like.

She wasn't left to wonder for long since three seconds later the doorbell rang. Amy walked over to the door, gagging a little at the overwhelming scent of toothpaste. Upon opening the door she discovered a tall man wearing a green plaid shirt, black leather pants, and bright orange pointy shoes.

"Are you… Alfred?" Amy asked.

"Why yes! I am ready to serve!" Alfred answered.

"I thought your slogan said ten seconds or more? You came in three seconds…" Amy commented.

Alfred's smile suddenly vanished as he stared at her. He took out a gun and shot himself.

Amy banged her head on the wall and went in to find another window repair man.

* * *

"Hey, Siegfried! Over here!" Yoshimitsu shouted, waving Siegfried over from across the restaurant.

"Are you _crazy_?" Zasalamel hissed at Yoshimitsu.

"Probably. Why?" Yoshimitsu asked.

"Oh I don't know… maybe it has something to do with the fact that Siegfried's the crazy of the crazies?! Do you REALLY want him associated with us?"

"Why not? Everyone already thinks we're crazy…" Olcadan cut in.

"Shhhhhh, here he comes!" Zasalamel hissed.

"Whaddup?" Siegfried asked, associating with the weirdoes for lack of anything better to do.

"Nothing much… just fish," Yoshimitsu replied.

"What? Er… I see." Siegfried had no idea what he meant. "So… what are you all doing in Burger King?" he asked out of morbid curiosity.

"You see, we were going to hang out in a bar and be all hard core but Algol and Nightmare were already there and their glaring was a little creepy so we left and decided this was hard core enough," Olcadan answered.

"I think you're a bit off on the 'hardcore' part…" Siegfried muttered, taking a seat as Olcadan took a sip of his milkshake which had 'beer' written on it in purple sharpie on masking tape. He then took a moment to look around the table at the three weirdoes. While this wasn't the most favourable company at least he wasn't alone and he wasn't getting a suit. Who knows, maybe he would even end up enjoying himself?

"It's coming down…" Yoshimitsu suddenly commented.

"Sorry, what is?" Siegfried asked. A second later a fish fell off the ceiling and onto his head.

"The fish. But I guess you already knew that."

"…yah. Thanks." Siegfried shuddered slightly as his hope diminished.

* * *

"Oh you two are HOPELESS!" Hilde screamed, yanking out her hair a bit. "Oh, but I have to help you! Isn't that right, Kilik? Maxi? Hey- where did you go?"

Truth be told, Kilik and Maxi were back looking at pants.

"I guess it's just me then. But how am I supposed to deal with _this_?" Hilde turned to reveal the father and daughter now hitting each other with fold out chairs. "Hey- what if we had some sort of disaster happen that would force them to become closer? That's it! Now all I need is a disaster…"

At that moment the power flickered.

"Attention all customers," a voice came on the intercom, "Due to a tree mysteriously falling and blocking the entrance no one will be able to enter or leave the store. All emergency exits are actually closets. Sorry for any inconvenience."

"I suppose that works!"

* * *

"Mitsurugi's Majestic Window repairing Mayhem. Despite the fact you broke them, I'm fixing them. What do you want?" Mitsurugi stood at the door glaring at Amy.

"Repairing the windows?" Amy stated the obvious.

"Yah, yah. Where are they, little girl?"

"Follow me." Amy lead Mitsurugi upstairs to the window Rock jumped out of.

"Let me see," Mitsurugi pushed Amy aside. "Yes, it is broken. That analysis will cost you."

"What? But I already knew-"

"Shut up and let me work."

Amy shut her mouth and watched Mitsurugi examine the window. He looked first at the broken glass, followed by the frame, and lastly outside the window.

"Why is there a large man lying face down on the ground down there?" Mitsurugi asked, pointing towards the ground.

"Oh, that's just Rock. The window's broken because he jumped out of it."

"I see. Hold on a moment," Mitsurugi walked to a small statue, picked it up, and threw it out the window at Rock.

Rock grunted and scratched his nose.

"Damn, he is alive," Mitsurugi grunted before turning to his tool kit and finally getting to work.

* * *

Back in Burger King, Siegfried decided to make the best of his time there and bought a milkshake, which Olcadan quickly labelled 'beer'. He sat down and took a long sip. "Where did Zasalamel go, anyways?" Siegfried asked, looking around.

"Said he had a hankering to kill someone. Don't expect him back any time soon," came Yoshimitsu's reply.

"To… kill? M'hmm…" Siegfried let that thought pass.

"So, Sieg, what brings you to Burger King?" Olcadan struck up conversation.

"My girlfriend's insane, I look bad in a suit, I don't understand why people would buy pants in Wal-Mart during their free time, I don't enjoy solving family issues, and I have a grudge against superglue," Siegfried answered as though that explained everything, and in a way it did.

"I… see…" Olcadan, along with everyone else sat there awkwardly not knowing where to go from there.

* * *

"HOMIGAWDHOMIGAWDHOMIGAWD- what do we _**DO**_?!" Xianghua screamed in terror.

"Not panic?" Talim suggested.

"But that is just so… like… we're stuck in Wal-Mart! What if someone sees me buying shirts in here?!"

"I already saw you…"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You did! Please don't tell anyone… especially not my future Hugglewugglesnugglebunny!"

"…who is…?" Talim cocked an eyebrow.

"Kilik!"

"I see… what is a huggle… wuggle… puggle…"

"Hugglewugglesnugglebunny? Why, a Hugglewugglesnugglebunny of course!" Xianghua patted Talim's head enthusiastically.

"Yes, how silly of me. Now stop patting my head, please."

"Nuh-uuuuuh! You're such a sweet girl you need your head patted!"

"Stop patting my head and I'll buy you ice cream."

"Oooooooh! But… how will you do that?"

"Duh, we're in Wal-Mart. All Wal-Marts have a McDonalds. All McDonalds have ice cream, unless they, God forbid, run out. Here," Talim took Xianghua's hand, which was no longer patting her head, "We'll go get you a nice big cone, ok?" Talim started leading her towards the McDonalds.

"Hooray!"

Talim and Xianghua were making their way towards the McDonalds when suddenly they ran into Elvis.

"Wait- that's not Elvis!" Xianghua shouted, "Maxi! And- my future Hugglewugglesnugglebunny!" Xianghua started to bound towards Kilik.

Kilik, in a state of panic, shouted "…PANTS CAN BE A HAT!" and threw the pants he was going to buy over Xianghua's head before motioning for Maxi to follow as they made a break for it.

Xianghua, still wearing the pants on her head, turned towards Talim's general direction and asked, "Ain't he the sweetest?"

Talim was too far away to answer.

* * *

"So no one likes me just because they think I'm some 'Bad American Comic Book Design' and a 'filler character'! It's just not fair!" Necrid placed his head in his hands and started bawling.

"Umm… don't, er, cry… there are surely…many… people out there who actually, well, like you and…" Siegfried struggled to think of words to comfort the poor green creature but just couldn't come up with anything. He finally finished with "at least Talim probably likes you?" and continued sipping his milkshake marked 'beer', wishing it truly was beer. After a while of sitting around awkwardly Necrid entered the Burger King and joined them. Ever since they had been listening to Necrid angst about how no one loves him.

"Hey, yah! And you do have your fan base! There are many people who like you, so don't cry, ok?" Yoshimitsu piped in with some encouraging words.

"But it's so few! Even Voldo has more fans than me!" Necrid cried some more.

"Oh, for crying out loud, just shut up and take it like a man!" Olcadan tried a rather different approach. "Do you know what people say about me? They call me some freaky old owl man- a knock off of the O RLY owl! And they say I'm just some imitation of other characters as well! I mean, I have feelings too, you know! I'm not just… not just… some…" Olcadan shut up and brushed away some tears.

Siegfried groaned and wondered if Wal-Mart was actually better than this.

Probably not, he decided.

* * *

"Wait… are we _trapped_?!" Ivy asked, horrified at the thought of spending more time with Cervantes and Hilde. What was up with Hilde, anyways? She seemed to think she was the next Oprah Winfrey or something.

"Don't worry; I'll just blow a hole through the wall!" Cervantes offered, also not wanting any more time with Ivy and Hilde. He calmly walked over to wall and readied his weapons. "Hey, you two!" he spat, "Come give me a hand!"

"Yes!" Ivy shouted. She walked beside him, practically tasting freedom. They readied their weapons, ready to strike until-

"TERRORISTS!" Someone shouted. In seconds they were both tackled by security.

"Wait- you don't understand!" Ivy tried to push the large man off her. She finally managed to turn to see his face. "Hey- aren't you that guy from Tekken? That one who threw his five year old son off a cliff, then later threw him into a volcano?"

"Well, yes," Heihachi answered, "But I only threw him into a volcano because he threw_ me_ off the _same _cliff!"

"Wow, I think you may need family counselling more than _they_ do!" Hilde exclaimed.

"You don't even know the half of it!" Heihachi replied.

"You know…" Cervantes stopped struggling under Ashlotte for a moment, "That is a fantastic idea!" He turned evilly towards Ivy.

"What, the counselling?" she asked, confused.

"No, the volcano!" he glared.

"Oh. Either way, don't even THINK of it!" she spat.

"Well well well. What do we have here?" Astaroth towered over the two and their captors.

"Astaroth? _You're _in charge of security?" Ivy asked dubiously.

"Yes. I have good policy: smash first, questions later." He folded his arms over his exposed heart. "Ow."

"Erm, right. But you see- we are not terrorists! We were only trying to leave this blasted place!"

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight." Astaroth picked up Cervantes by the shirt and was about to do the same to Ivy before realizing that that wouldn't be very possible. He shrugged and threw her over his shoulder. "Ciao," he said to Hilde before opening a door and walking through… only to fall down a flight of stairs into the basement. Hilde shrugged and moved on to see if anyone else needed help.

* * *

Amy walked up the staircase with a steaming mug of mint tea in her hands. She looked towards the broken window and was satisfied to see Mitsurugi diligently working on their window. She raised the mug to her lips and took a sip before almost spitting it out upon the realization of what Mitsurugi was doing.

"Are you taping the shards of glass together randomly with packing tape?!" she asked.

"Yes. And MACtac. It works well," he grunted.

Amy slapped her face before looking directly at the window. She immediately regretted it, seeing the already assembled glass/packing tape/MACtac substance already duct taped onto the window. "Time to find a new repair man…" she muttered.


End file.
